Dear Mom,

Last time I wrote you a letter on this blog was over 2 years ago. You had just undergone Mastectomy after several cycles of chemo. I remember as they were rolling you into the surgery room, you had a smile on your face; you were afraid, I could see it, but you were smiling for our sake.

You were strong then, your spirit so high I was being radiant by your energy. When we left that hospital a few days later I was so proud of being your daughter; you had taught me how to fight cancer.

Little did I know that you would be fighting it again in two years.

It attacked you again this March.

It was stronger this time.

It had spread—breast cancer Metastasis

It had gained more force.

First your lungs collapsed; you fought it for seven months.

Last week, your CT Scan revealed that the cancerous cells in your lungs were contained. In some spots, it had actually been reduced.

I started to celebrate…it was like life was bestowed on our household again

…but

I failed to see that spark in your eyes. You were smiling but your eyes weren’t. It was as if you knew something. Has the cancerous cells been telling you something. What did you know?

Both me and the doctors found out a week later.

The cancerous cells had gained force somewhere else in your body now.

Your bones…your pelvis.

Now you can’t move.

Now for the first time, I am forced to face reality.

Reality?

Which reality?

The one I created in these past 7 months?

The one that when I looked at your legs, all I saw was those healthy, strong, swift legs that was full on energy…or the one that is all skin and bones and your barely have any energy left to move your toes?

I have been refusing to listen to doctors, test results, medical cases since they meant nothing to me. As long as your spirits were high, you will win again.

Reality was trying to open my eyes; I saw every week a patient losing the battle to cancer here at the hospital. I was talking to them one day, and the next day they were gone. Every single week I saw this…and so did you.

But I ignored.

You were different.

You will win.

So I cracked jokes to make you laugh…and you did.

I downloaded funny Iranian films to make you laugh…and you did.

Remember how we used to sit on your bed, each one of us with an ear piece laughing out loud that others came to see what we were watching?

You were laughing…and that was the only reality I wanted to see.

Remember how two months ago, I took a few hours leave for you to take you out to a mall? I left you in a wheelchair and said stay here till I go and park the car. I came back two minutes late. When I came I saw you were rolling yourself into a shop…I smiled coz that is my mom…she can never sit still.

I smiled…and you smiled…and that was the only reality I wanted to see.

You have stopped laughing, smiling, eating, drinking, speaking now

The reality I wished to see is no longer there.

And I don’t want to face any other reality…if I think it, it will happen.

All I want is for you to be in peace…I want you to smile again…just smile…I am not asking for much

Mom please smile again,

Please bring my reality back

Noushin

Last week, your CTScan revealed that the cancerous cells in your lungs were contained. In some spots, it had actually been reduced.