I wrote this about a week ago but I couldn’t post it until I felt it is not a mere temporarily streak. Today I will claim that it is not:
I have been revived. I don’t know what initially triggered this transformation, but I’m enjoying the ride. A thirty-two year old curse has been lifted, a pleasant awaking after a life time of lingering away in a comatose life.
I probably reached rock bottom about a month ago. There had been times in my life that even people I cherish were mere “ghareebeha-e-asheena” (familiar strangers), but this was the first time I couldn’t even bear my own company. I was tired; tired of myself, tired of my monologues, tired of analyzing myself, tired of waiting for God’s presence, tired of searching for answers, tired of even asking questions, tired of the people around me, tired of their looks, tired of their words, tired of conversing with them, tired of their expectations—I was exhausted, too exhausted to even know why.
Then it came. A phone call. One Thursday morning. A month ago. Words were uttered; strength was gained–strength to take the leap of faith.
When I wrote that a week ago, I wasn’t sure what had triggered the need in me to transform. I’m still not sure. Maybe it was:
1.When I came across a site in which people wrote down their life regrets. I typed in, “I regret living a life with no regrets.”
2.When I received an unexpected compliment from a “special” student that was not related to my teaching abilities. (Don’t mean to brag, but I am really tired of hearing what a great teacher I am; tell me something I don’t know, heeheehee)
3.When I could only tick two things off a list of “100 things to do before you die”.
4.The pep talk….or the subconscious effect of several pep talks
Maybe it was a combination of all the above, maybe it was basically having a great friend. All I know is that I am not scared any more. Not scared of taking chances; not scared of failing; not scared of not being accepted; not scared of leaping.
I have leapt.
I have killed my low-self esteem.
I have given birth to self-confidence.
I am grateful for being blessed with great friends who sowed the need in me to change and those who gave me the strength to do so.