Almost 2 months ago I embarked on a dangerous journey. A journey of self discovery—to find out who is hiding behind that mask. The mask I had been wearing so long that it had become part of my face, it had made me invisible. Invisible even to myself.
I just had to take the mask off. I was tired of being invisible. Little did I know what ugliness was behind that mask.
Certain stages of the shedding away process of this mask was previously logged. But what I refused to bring on paper was the side of me that surfaced that actually made me feel good…the side that screamed insanely at a parking attendant for asking me to move my car, the side of me that shrugged shoulders when I saw the feeling of the hurt I had caused in the eyes of close friends, the side of me that smacked strangers in elevators for not taking their fingers off a button, the side of me that treated nice people like pieces of chess board game…and why was not being me making me feel good? No remorse. No remorse at all.
I wasn’t even searching for a why? Too oblivious to the death of Dr. Jekyll to even ask why?
Until last Friday. I went to see “The Little Prince”. A line struck a cord. It triggered a sentence a friend had recently said. That in turn triggered a post I had read. Then the questions came. The whys? Along with them, the answers. I now know why. Why I had to kill the old me. Why I had to rebel against the people in my immediate circle.
It boiled down to a simple innocent sentence uttered by a sincere friend. What did she say?
“You are naïve.”
I am now glad I have managed to pull up the hand brake on my transformation and made a sudden U-Turn.
But I had to go down that road. Sometime it is a lot easier to completely destroy something down to a rubble and then start rebuilding from scratch than to fix it.
But what I still don’t know is: Had I taken the mask off, or had just started to wear a new one. Am I wearing a mask now? Where is my real face gone?