The 7 stages of my transformation

  1. Doormat
  2. Burnt out
  3. Split-personality
  4. Paranoia
  5. Searching for peace
  6. Peaceful
  7. Learning to turn my wounds into wisdom

1. Doormat:

I lingered on in this stage for quite sometime. All I wanted was peace at any cost. Basically I was a people pleaser. My self-esteem had reached its lowest point. I honestly thought I had absolutely no skills or talent at all; that I didn’t deserve to have friends. I never voiced my hurt since I didn’t want to stir up any problems; didn’t want to be seen as a nag. This unexpressed hurt and anger eventually turned to resentment and depression.

2. Burnt out:

Basically I became a walking zombie. Didn’t care about anyone, didn’t care about myself; I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy, I just wasn’t. What I was was tired; so very, very tired; tired of it all; and oblivious to my surroundings, to my family and friends. I buried myself in work and became indifferent towards everyone.

3. Split-personality:

Sometimes a stranger says a sentence to you that unknowingly would change your life for ever. I’m not sure if the tipping point for me was that day or not; but it was the day that in a long time I had accepted a compliment with grace. The day that I started to say to myself; ‘Hey you are not as worthless as some people make you feel”. The inner struggle between my two selves had started. The old me wanted to retrieve to being a doormat, the new me wanted to take risks. I started to question the sincerity of the people around me. There were days that I thought I had lots of genuine friends, then there were days I didn’t trust anyone.

4. Paranoia:

Well guess which side won? The side of me that believed there were no good people left in this world. Now I hated the world. I had lost faith in humanity. Everyone was evil to me; everyone was selfish; everyone had betrayed me in one way or another; everyone was out to use me. So I blacklisted everyone in my life. I thought of myself as the only nice person left in this world. (Would you believe that I chuckled as I just typed the last sentence? I can’t believe I once thought that). I truly believed that I was the nicest, most considerate, most honest person I know and that I was the last decent person left in this world. It’s ironic because this was also the stage that I had turned evil. I failed to see the genuine concern of some friends. One of them actually turned around one day and said to me, “I know you were hurt before, but you can’t punish everyone for it.”

5. Searching for peace

“If you don’t do something soon, it would be too late” was yet another sentence uttered by a stranger. She was referring to something else (which I would post about soon) but it did wake me up. I woke up and released that I have become emotionally detached from everyone, realized that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, realized that what I want is peace.

To achieve peace, I had to let go of my anger, resentment and hurt. It wasn’t easy since I had been harboring it for so long that I had forgotten why or what caused it. But it’s funny how when you clear your heart from hatred you begin to see God’s signs. Little by little, God started answering my questions, or showed me how to confront the source.

6. Peaceful

“Are you in love?” was what she said after an hour of conversation with her.

“No, why?”

“You seemed so relaxed, so tranquil.”

Now I understood a lot of things. I was at peace with myself and the world around me. The sadness was gone, the anger was gone, the feeling of self-pity was gone, the hatred was gone. I now looked beyond people’s action; I had learnt to see things from their perspective and understand their behavior. To quote a very good blogger friend of mine, “Letting go is to let your expectation go or at least lower them. We have so many “made up stories” about our loved ones, we exaggerate their behaviors, their motives and it’s us that we build the resentments and thus we make it hard to forgive.”

7. Learning to turn my wounds into wisdom

It’s not easy staying peaceful. There are days those unhealthy feelings of self-pity take the better of me, though it is a lot less intense than before. I guess I still have a lot of self-discovery left to do before I came enjoy the ride on the road to peace.

13 thoughts on “The 7 stages of my transformation

  1. Your greatest post!
    only practice will make it perfect. they will be shaky days, but they are there to test your resolve. keep your promise to be peaceful and never let yourself down. life is for living not marinating in our pain and pity. live up your life to its fullest and don’t short change it for anything.

    hugs and kisses/

  2. Hmmm… I’m in the ‘Burn out’ Stage, I guess! Well… May just about anytime now start to move to the next level…
    BTW, It’s Proshat!

  3. there are so many things i want to rectify in my life , for the first time i said “no” to a distant friend who wanted to borrow money felt guilty at first , but now i am at peace because it is always good to learn from old mistakes !

  4. WOW! Your quote of the week says it all!

    I also think of life as a refining – and the trials we face are all part of the process. And thank GOD for good friends who help us keep our perspective, who help us see ourselves differently, and help keep us balanced along the path. 🙂

    Taken any photos lately, habeebti?

  5. Hey, i like this post, transformation of our personality from one stage to another is part of our coping up with our environment, part of our survival, searching for peace and tranquility in life, this is normal. Life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down..we must have to accept all these things because this is our fate in life.

  6. frieda: thanks dearest. your blog was one of God’s signs. Thank you for you positive energy.

    l.o.u. hey gurl. new name huh? what does it stand for. At each stage one learn sth about themselves. Don’t lose the lesson.

    grey: so true. one way to test a friend is to loan him/her money.

    intlxpatr: yeah, thank God for caring friends. They really are you mirror.

    😦 Naay, haven’t taken any pix lately. Things r a bit hectic at work. Just changed jobs again. But i’ll upload an old pix of a dhow just for you 😀

    rieanne:true, true true. Life is all about getting to know yourself better through these ups and downs.

  7. This is a beautiful post! I really enjoyed reading it. Please write more posts like this one. It was very deep and refreshing to read 🙂

  8. How were you able to get over the doormat phase. I am a people pleaser too, Its so hard for me to say no to people.

    excellent post

  9. juila: thanks. *smiles*

    illusion: Good question. How did i stop being a people pleaser? Well, coz I was deeply hurt by a friend; so I detached from everyone i know. Of course this doesn’t mean that i am now selfish and don’t care about others. It just means i have learnt to balance my needs and those of others. Now when i do something for someone, it’s because i want to, not because i feel i have to.

  10. i love the post. love it ALOT.

    i gotta agree about the whole peaceful idea, people always assume i’m inlove because i’m peaceful and optimistic.

    i just don’t get it. :/

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