- Burnt out
- Searching for peace
- Learning to turn my wounds into wisdom
I lingered on in this stage for quite sometime. All I wanted was peace at any cost. Basically I was a people pleaser. My self-esteem had reached its lowest point. I honestly thought I had absolutely no skills or talent at all; that I didn’t deserve to have friends. I never voiced my hurt since I didn’t want to stir up any problems; didn’t want to be seen as a nag. This unexpressed hurt and anger eventually turned to resentment and depression.
2. Burnt out:
Basically I became a walking zombie. Didn’t care about anyone, didn’t care about myself; I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy, I just wasn’t. What I was was tired; so very, very tired; tired of it all; and oblivious to my surroundings, to my family and friends. I buried myself in work and became indifferent towards everyone.
Sometimes a stranger says a sentence to you that unknowingly would change your life for ever. I’m not sure if the tipping point for me was that day or not; but it was the day that in a long time I had accepted a compliment with grace. The day that I started to say to myself; ‘Hey you are not as worthless as some people make you feel”. The inner struggle between my two selves had started. The old me wanted to retrieve to being a doormat, the new me wanted to take risks. I started to question the sincerity of the people around me. There were days that I thought I had lots of genuine friends, then there were days I didn’t trust anyone.
Well guess which side won? The side of me that believed there were no good people left in this world. Now I hated the world. I had lost faith in humanity. Everyone was evil to me; everyone was selfish; everyone had betrayed me in one way or another; everyone was out to use me. So I blacklisted everyone in my life. I thought of myself as the only nice person left in this world. (Would you believe that I chuckled as I just typed the last sentence? I can’t believe I once thought that). I truly believed that I was the nicest, most considerate, most honest person I know and that I was the last decent person left in this world. It’s ironic because this was also the stage that I had turned evil. I failed to see the genuine concern of some friends. One of them actually turned around one day and said to me, “I know you were hurt before, but you can’t punish everyone for it.”
5. Searching for peace
“If you don’t do something soon, it would be too late” was yet another sentence uttered by a stranger. She was referring to something else (which I would post about soon) but it did wake me up. I woke up and released that I have become emotionally detached from everyone, realized that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, realized that what I want is peace.
To achieve peace, I had to let go of my anger, resentment and hurt. It wasn’t easy since I had been harboring it for so long that I had forgotten why or what caused it. But it’s funny how when you clear your heart from hatred you begin to see God’s signs. Little by little, God started answering my questions, or showed me how to confront the source.
“Are you in love?” was what she said after an hour of conversation with her.
“You seemed so relaxed, so tranquil.”
Now I understood a lot of things. I was at peace with myself and the world around me. The sadness was gone, the anger was gone, the feeling of self-pity was gone, the hatred was gone. I now looked beyond people’s action; I had learnt to see things from their perspective and understand their behavior. To quote a very good blogger friend of mine, “Letting go is to let your expectation go or at least lower them. We have so many “made up stories” about our loved ones, we exaggerate their behaviors, their motives and it’s us that we build the resentments and thus we make it hard to forgive.”
7. Learning to turn my wounds into wisdom
It’s not easy staying peaceful. There are days those unhealthy feelings of self-pity take the better of me, though it is a lot less intense than before. I guess I still have a lot of self-discovery left to do before I came enjoy the ride on the road to peace.