The Drifter

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I am the captain of my boat

I navigate it well

The years have taught me how

When the wind was fierce

…the sails soared up

When the tide was wild

…the wheel was held on tight

…but alas

…there is no anchor

My boat has no anchor

It’s forever adrift

Time to anchor?

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Once you have reached a season in your life where more than 30 birthday memories have been recorded, a birthday starts taking a new meaning onto itself. It no longer becomes a time for you to just giggle away over the sound of merry games, Kodak moments, cake indulging, gift shaking, and candles flickering away. Once you are over a certain age, the giggles remain but another ritual is added… for some reason it also becomes a time to evaluate–to evaluate those moments between each birthday.

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On my last birthday, a friend took onto herself to evaluate my moments. Me, well, I was just still busy giggling the moments away, so she stepped in.

Her diagnosis of my life:

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I have no anchor!!!

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HER: If you were to die tomorrow, what would you say was your biggest accomplishment?

ME: [not wanting to go down that road] Can we not have this conversation on my birthday?

HER: You want to talk about the weather? Fine…it’s hot!!! There, we are done with that topic so what should we talk about now? Oh, I know…when are you gonna stop being a coward?

ME: [playing with the sugar packet on the desk] Hahaha, first time I hear you talk in a sarcastic tone…[all smiles]

HER: Listen, ‘Darya’, do not make the same mistake as I did…drop your anchor

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Now since this was not the first time she had brought up this topic I knew where she was going with this, and to be honest with you my ears weren’t tuning in to her words. AND she knew this…she felt it…yet she kept on talking…more like she wanted her own ears to hear her words.

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HER: I am 43 years old and have nothing to hold me down…never got married…never got truly attached to anyone…every time I got close I came up with a good excuse why it’s not in my best interest to anchor now…JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING NOW

ME: Moi???!!!! Excuses??!!!

HER: [just raises her right eyebrow]

ME: They are not excuses. I just haven’t found the right port to anchor yet. Besides I love sailing freely from one port to another. No I don’t have the intention of sailing for ever but trust me, once I find the right port, I will anchor.

HER: There’s no perfect port. I mean you didn’t anchor at the last port, just because of one lousy day. Every single port would have beautiful days as well rainy ones.

ME: Yes, but IF I love the port, I would love the rainy days as well. Sweetie, I am not naïve, I know there’s no perfect port…but I also KNOW there’s a port somewhere just perfect for my boat. I’ll anchor once I find it. Ok, yes, there are days I get tired of sailing…or at least of sailing solo…yes there are days I think back to a port I had just left and think maybe I shouldn’t have been too hasty, maybe I should have explored it more…but the fact that I didn’t is a sign that my boat doesn’t belong to that port.

HER: That was my reasoning all my life. Stop kidding yourself. I know you too well Darya. You don’t even get close to the port before you turn around and leave. As soon as you begin to get close enough to make out a couple of the features of this port, you get scared and turn around.

ME: [silent]

HER: You get scared just like I got scared. Promise me something, promise me that you will turn around and go and explore your last port a bit more before you leave…at least for God’s sake drift around it for a month before you leave.

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Well, that conversation took place on my birthday…since then I have turned my boat around…back to the port…the port I had just happily left…and yes, she was right…there are no stormy days here anymore…yes the port is a nice place…it’s flawless…it’s an ideal place to anchor…but my boat wants to leave…it feels like the beauty of this port doesn’t belong to it.

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Now I am stuck…the port is perfect…it’s the port I’d envisioned in my dreams…I am stuck at this port…yet I can’t bring myself to drop the anchor.

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How could the perfect port not be perfect for my boat?

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Is something wrong with the captain?

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Will she always be a drifter?

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…and once again she sails away……

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11 thoughts on “The Drifter

  1. Happy birthday,

    Put your anchor down, Take a word of a married man,

    ‘there is nothing more sweeter than lay asleep with her with her back touching my chest so close thats there is no air passes in between, and I pray to God, ” let there be tomorrow, because i have not got enough.”

    Put your anchor down, you dont know what on earth you are missing…

  2. Life doesn’t offer a lot of chances… so when finally a chance comes by– don’t let it pass by– unless you are certain you don’t want it.

    Be wise.. and never be afraid.. to ask for advice…. If you ever want to, I’m here 🙂

  3. dandoon: guess i need to have my head examined ;p…but seriously…perfection is boring ;p

    grey: touch wood, touch wood…u r truly lucky to have found your soul mate…the thing is i don’t think this port–with all its perfection–is my destined port. Seriously grey, stm when i read yr post and the way u talk about our wife i tell myself that’s the kind of relsh i want. Dude, u have raised the bar 😀 😀 😀

    Disturbed stranger: First, here’s a huge hug for the care i sensed in that comment *hugs*

    my choice boils down to this:

    a. drop the anchor and live the rest of my life with a very close friend (did i forget to mention he was a friend before we took it further) trouble free…and possibly passion free

    b. continue living the happy life i have right now till maybe, just maybe i find that passion

    When i put my two options on the table i see i have less to lose with the 2nd one….or maybe it’s just the easy way out 😀

  4. Darya joonam,
    You can never force the boat (although you may be able to do it for a real boat in the real boat and port condition, talking as a Marine and Offshore Eng student! hehe) but seriously you want to be comfortable, not forced.
    The port might be perfect, but not your perfect to your standards… not even that, the port might be even perfect to your standards, but there may not be chemistry, shayd injoorie! Ekh, chejoori begam, khodet miduni. man kiam ke chizi begam.
    Good luck always.
    Happy Bday again. Who cares about the age, be happy and keep smiling. Goore pedare sen! hehe

  5. Ghorboonet doosteh wise’am beraam 😀

    That was the exact point i was trying to make to my friend.

    Yes he is perfect but to be honest with you i don’t think i cud make HIM happy simply because being in his presence doesn’t make my hear skip a beat. Yes, I do love spending time with him, especially our meaningful conversations, and he does make me laugh a lot but so do most of my friends.

    As you mentioned, the chemistry is not quite there.

    Now the point my friend wanted to make was that chemistry is over rated…that chemistry wud grow after marriage…maybe she is right, maybe it will…i know it did for a lot of couples…but i say why take the risk…i mean i am happy with the way things r in my life right now…what if it doesn’t work out…why risk my happiness…so if i ever decide to drop the anchor it wud HAVE TO be when i am 100% sure it’s the right port 😀

    and MUUAAWH for your advice 😀

  6. Oi, this occurred to me lastnight, and I had to tell you this! One way to test yourself and see if you really like him or not is to imagine him with another girl/woman! See if you get jealous or not. Sometimes friendships are too strong to notice the other kind of love you have for your friends, the strength of this friendship could hide some special feelings. (This was the case for me and Armin at first!) But when I figured about other girls special interest in him, I felt jealous and that was the time I figured my special feelings about him. (Note: we were best friends for two years before we start dating!)
    Seriously, think test yourself on this!

  7. Drifting is lovely but only while you’re exploring…. One day a decision has to be made and one end will have to meet the other. 🙂

    Wishing you alll the best.

  8. Arsh: That’s a great test…

    The second i read it, my first thought was more like anger rather than jealousy if i see him with another woman…i mean he could wait a couple of months or at least till my boat is out of sight before seeing other boats…..then i felt jealous, then sad, then hurt….but now i think i am ok with it.

    yeah, i truly am ok with the thought…i wud want to see him happy…i just need more time… 😀

    mer30 barayee een kee be fekraam bodee :D….boos

    cancerian: yeah our future well being is based on these tiny little decisions we make…one wrong turn and my boat could hit the rocks…

  9. Turn that boat around! Head back to port! It’s not too late!

    It isn’t about chemistry. Chemistry is what the world tells us matters. Chemistry comes and goes. It comes at the worst times, and it comes back when you think it is gone forever. It’s about commitment, and honoring someone who thinks you are terrific enough to share his ideas with you and ask for your input, it’s about going places together and sharing experiences, about coming from your different work and talking over the challenges, funny incidents of the day, even talking about strategies for saving money for . . . that dream you dream together.

    And it IS about procreation. Children are a blessing, a huge richness in your life.

    If you found someone you like spending time with, and even better, if he can make you laugh, and if he can laugh at himself – honey, grab that man!

  10. intlxpatr: I just don’t know anymore…i recently met someone that all we had was chemistry and that lasted only a couple of weeks…maybe you are right…but is it too much to ask to be with someone with whom i love spending time with AND i share a great romantic chemistry with….i am beginning to think so 😦 😦

    Thanks sweetie for taking the time to guide me…

    You got me thinking on whether i do put too much importance on chemistry…

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