Archive | October 2009

Sexy Crazy Cancer

“I’ll never say cancer is a gift because I’ll never give it to you. But cancer can be a catalyst, a teacher”-Kris Carr

A cursed blessing…that’s what my boss called it…called cancer.

I…now…agree with her…it is a curse…and a blessing.

I know in my last posts I kept saying that the reality I choose to believe in was that mom was not sick. That’s what I keep repeating into her ears over and over again.

When she says, “I am so tired I can’t even move leg.”

I say, “So what? Everyone feels that way once in a while. You will feel fine tomorrow.”

.

When she says, “She over heard the doctor saying her disease is incurable.”

I say, “Incurable means it is always going to be there. It doesn’t mean it’s fatal.”

.

When she says, “She knows she won’t ever be able to walk again.”

I say, “So what? Wheelchairs are fun!”

I said it, but I acted it, and she believe me, she felt it…but I didn’t.

As soon as I left the hospital room, tears poured down. I guess deep down I didn’t believe my own words. The words and thoughts of the articles I kept reading online were more powerful. Deep down that was the reality I was beginning to accept…that’s why I kept taking mental pictures of my mom…I was afraid I won’t get any more chances.

Thankfully Reza (friend/reader) entered my life.

I always believe every single person who enters your life does so for a reason–they are God sent. He messaged me, he talked about his own personal experience, he answered my question, and he introduced me to Kris Carr and her Documentary “Crazy Sexy Cancer”

It’s about a witty, vibrant, intelligent thirty something actress living in New York who documents her attitude towards coming to terms with cancer over a course of 3 years…till she can start to call herself a survivor.

Here’s a trailer to the documentary:

Here’s a segment when she appeared on Oprah:

Here’s her giving tips on Crazy Sexy Cancer:

and of course her website and links to her video and books: http://www.crazysexycancer.com

and my favorite quotes from her documentary:

“Cancer wasn’t killing me, it was pushing me to live”

“Maybe my lesson was about patience and acceptance. If I could learn to make peace with my disease, even if it didn’t go away, then i could do anything.”

“Like Alice in Cancerland, I felt like I was falling down a New Age rabbit hole.”

“I’ll never say cancer is a gift because I’ll never give it to you. But cancer can be a catalyst, a teacher”

“When there are no answers, you have to find your own”

“Life is messy and brilliant, gorgeous and staggering, sexy and crazy…just like cancer.

Thank you Reza

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To Tell or Not to Tell

To Tell or Not to Tell

It’s 3:00 am and I can’t sleep…can’t control my train of thoughts…it’s going all over the place, back in time, to the future, present…the numerous versions of the present…the numerous realities

If a fairy ever decides to grant me a wish, I would wish that the power to jinx myself be stripped away from me.

I caused it. I cause this painful reality I am in…I uttered a careless though back in March and it was granted a couple of weeks later. Damn me!!!

Back in March, I was having numbly blowing sheesha, a friend sat across the table, and I mummbled these words: 2008 was the without a doubt the best year of my life; it was a year of awakening; a year of inner voyage, inner discovery, inner love, total body, soul and mind satisfaction, it was a year of bliss, a year of so many ‘firsts’…but I feel there’s more…I have mastered the lessons nature intended, now i want to move to the next stage. When will the next stage begin?

When will the next stage begin? If I had know what the next stage is, I would have….

The next stage….the next stage began with this sentence:

“Your mom has 6 months to 1 year left to live”

That was 5 months ago.

Her doctor said it.

Only a year after we celebrated her truimpt over cancer

What went through my head at that time? Nothing…whatever thought wanted to emerged I pushed it back into darkness…couldn’t fight back the tears though…they just poured out uncontrollably…but there was no thought

The thoughts came later on

First denial—the doctor is an idiot…he doesn’t know what he is talking about…so I googled….hated the language used: incurable, average 3 years, maximum 5 years, painful treatment, etc

Tears and sobbing over took my thoughts again

I had no thoughts

My boss was the first person to talk to me. She had lost her father to cancer only a couple of months prior.

Her words were encouraging

There was hope

I shouldn’t allow negative thoughts to alter her reality

Mom’s reality is that she is fine and she will win this battle like the last one

Should I tell?

Should I tell my siblings?

NO!!

Their negative thoughts will change reality…reality is that she is NOT sick…if i tell them, she will get worse

So I didn’t tell anyone in my family.

Friends?

Only my boss and two friends knew.

And it was because of them I survived.

Did mom’s reality change?

Yes
No
Yes
No

She was in full spirit 1 day and weak for 3 days.

“They have the right to know”

That’s what a friend kept reminding me

I knew she was right…i had to tell my siblings…but I couldn’t…telling them meant…verbalizing those same words the doctor said…i couldn’t have my ears hear them again, let alone from my own tongue…I just couldn’t…call me coward, call me selfish…but i just couldn’t

They only thing I did was ask my siblings to come to Kuwait.

I needed time to heal.

But healing was slow

Healing required acceptance

Acceptance required support

I had no support

I was refusing support

I didn’t want to talk about it with my boss, or 2 friends.

Bless all 3 of them, they understood…they gave me my space…but they made sure they were there for me if i needed to talk.

It took me 2 months

And i finally talked.

I got their emotional support.

I started healing

I told my siblings what the doctor had said…without telling them when i found out of course

Now the question is: Should I tell mom?