To Tell or Not to Tell
It’s 3:00 am and I can’t sleep…can’t control my train of thoughts…it’s going all over the place, back in time, to the future, present…the numerous versions of the present…the numerous realities
If a fairy ever decides to grant me a wish, I would wish that the power to jinx myself be stripped away from me.
I caused it. I cause this painful reality I am in…I uttered a careless though back in March and it was granted a couple of weeks later. Damn me!!!
Back in March, I was having numbly blowing sheesha, a friend sat across the table, and I mummbled these words: 2008 was the without a doubt the best year of my life; it was a year of awakening; a year of inner voyage, inner discovery, inner love, total body, soul and mind satisfaction, it was a year of bliss, a year of so many ‘firsts’…but I feel there’s more…I have mastered the lessons nature intended, now i want to move to the next stage. When will the next stage begin?
When will the next stage begin? If I had know what the next stage is, I would have….
The next stage….the next stage began with this sentence:
“Your mom has 6 months to 1 year left to live”
That was 5 months ago.
Her doctor said it.
Only a year after we celebrated her truimpt over cancer
What went through my head at that time? Nothing…whatever thought wanted to emerged I pushed it back into darkness…couldn’t fight back the tears though…they just poured out uncontrollably…but there was no thought
The thoughts came later on
First denial—the doctor is an idiot…he doesn’t know what he is talking about…so I googled….hated the language used: incurable, average 3 years, maximum 5 years, painful treatment, etc
Tears and sobbing over took my thoughts again
I had no thoughts
My boss was the first person to talk to me. She had lost her father to cancer only a couple of months prior.
Her words were encouraging
There was hope
I shouldn’t allow negative thoughts to alter her reality
Mom’s reality is that she is fine and she will win this battle like the last one
Should I tell?
Should I tell my siblings?
Their negative thoughts will change reality…reality is that she is NOT sick…if i tell them, she will get worse
So I didn’t tell anyone in my family.
Only my boss and two friends knew.
And it was because of them I survived.
Did mom’s reality change?
She was in full spirit 1 day and weak for 3 days.
“They have the right to know”
That’s what a friend kept reminding me
I knew she was right…i had to tell my siblings…but I couldn’t…telling them meant…verbalizing those same words the doctor said…i couldn’t have my ears hear them again, let alone from my own tongue…I just couldn’t…call me coward, call me selfish…but i just couldn’t
They only thing I did was ask my siblings to come to Kuwait.
I needed time to heal.
But healing was slow
Healing required acceptance
Acceptance required support
I had no support
I was refusing support
I didn’t want to talk about it with my boss, or 2 friends.
Bless all 3 of them, they understood…they gave me my space…but they made sure they were there for me if i needed to talk.
It took me 2 months
And i finally talked.
I got their emotional support.
I started healing
I told my siblings what the doctor had said…without telling them when i found out of course
Now the question is: Should I tell mom?