To Tell or Not to Tell

To Tell or Not to Tell

It’s 3:00 am and I can’t sleep…can’t control my train of thoughts…it’s going all over the place, back in time, to the future, present…the numerous versions of the present…the numerous realities

If a fairy ever decides to grant me a wish, I would wish that the power to jinx myself be stripped away from me.

I caused it. I cause this painful reality I am in…I uttered a careless though back in March and it was granted a couple of weeks later. Damn me!!!

Back in March, I was having numbly blowing sheesha, a friend sat across the table, and I mummbled these words: 2008 was the without a doubt the best year of my life; it was a year of awakening; a year of inner voyage, inner discovery, inner love, total body, soul and mind satisfaction, it was a year of bliss, a year of so many ‘firsts’…but I feel there’s more…I have mastered the lessons nature intended, now i want to move to the next stage. When will the next stage begin?

When will the next stage begin? If I had know what the next stage is, I would have….

The next stage….the next stage began with this sentence:

“Your mom has 6 months to 1 year left to live”

That was 5 months ago.

Her doctor said it.

Only a year after we celebrated her truimpt over cancer

What went through my head at that time? Nothing…whatever thought wanted to emerged I pushed it back into darkness…couldn’t fight back the tears though…they just poured out uncontrollably…but there was no thought

The thoughts came later on

First denial—the doctor is an idiot…he doesn’t know what he is talking about…so I googled….hated the language used: incurable, average 3 years, maximum 5 years, painful treatment, etc

Tears and sobbing over took my thoughts again

I had no thoughts

My boss was the first person to talk to me. She had lost her father to cancer only a couple of months prior.

Her words were encouraging

There was hope

I shouldn’t allow negative thoughts to alter her reality

Mom’s reality is that she is fine and she will win this battle like the last one

Should I tell?

Should I tell my siblings?

NO!!

Their negative thoughts will change reality…reality is that she is NOT sick…if i tell them, she will get worse

So I didn’t tell anyone in my family.

Friends?

Only my boss and two friends knew.

And it was because of them I survived.

Did mom’s reality change?

Yes
No
Yes
No

She was in full spirit 1 day and weak for 3 days.

“They have the right to know”

That’s what a friend kept reminding me

I knew she was right…i had to tell my siblings…but I couldn’t…telling them meant…verbalizing those same words the doctor said…i couldn’t have my ears hear them again, let alone from my own tongue…I just couldn’t…call me coward, call me selfish…but i just couldn’t

They only thing I did was ask my siblings to come to Kuwait.

I needed time to heal.

But healing was slow

Healing required acceptance

Acceptance required support

I had no support

I was refusing support

I didn’t want to talk about it with my boss, or 2 friends.

Bless all 3 of them, they understood…they gave me my space…but they made sure they were there for me if i needed to talk.

It took me 2 months

And i finally talked.

I got their emotional support.

I started healing

I told my siblings what the doctor had said…without telling them when i found out of course

Now the question is: Should I tell mom?

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3 thoughts on “To Tell or Not to Tell

  1. Dear Darya,
    There is always Hope! God and only God who knows our destiny. no matter what the doctors say, with prayer and faith you can face it! now I am not sure if you should tell her or not! Of course you can tell her if she’s strong enough to handle it! otherwise it’ll make the things worse! at the same time you can’t hide it from her! to be honest it is a very difficult question!
    in sha’a Allah everything will be just fine, will never forget you in my prayer! You too keep on the positive energy.
    Hope to hear good news from you.
    Miss you.

  2. Dear Darya,

    I quite accidentally came across your weblog and happened to read your writings. Although I do not think that there is such a thing as “accident” in life or in the broader perspective, in the universe. Everything happens for a reason and surely not all of the reasons are exposed to us. Only if we purify our hearts, depending on the level of our purification, the nature will expose those hidden secrets to us on a gradual basis. Anyway……

    If I were in your shoes, I would have sunk into my own heart, recite some holy versus from my holy book and present it to Hafez’s soul. then I would have opened his book. He surely would have responded to my heart’s message. Whatever he subscribed for me, I willingly would have done it.

    That’s my personal experience that I wanted to share with you, although I am sure you have experienced it yourself.

    It was nice talking to you…

    Keep smiling and good luck.

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