No Expectations

I don’t know why for the past few days I wake up with a smile…a deep, light, sincere smile.

I don’t know why for the past few weeks all my dreams of mom are as if she never left. As if 2009 never happened.

I don’t know why my soul started decluttering without discussing it with me first.

I don’t know why my logical side no longer seeks answers.

I don’t know why I no longer feel angry; I hold no resentment against anyone; I no longer loath any thing or anyone.

I don’t know why I am calm; I am light.

I don’t know why I no longer want things, nor need things.

I don’t know why I no longer have any expectations from myself, from others, from god, from life, from destiny.

I don’t know what took over my soul; all I know is I like it.

How or why it happened, I don’t know

Kuwait, Iran, Malaysia

About 3 months ago I picked up a book called, “Eat, Pray, Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert at Kuwait’s airport on my way to Iran. It’s a travelogue of a woman in search of herself in Italy (eat), India (pray) and Indonesia (love).

A few minutes ago I was thinking I kinda (albeit an itsy bitsy teeny weeny kinda) had a similar experience. See, the past five years in Kuwait I have mostly focused on attaining my masterdom in the art of the worldly pleasures in all things gluttonous (eat). So Kuwait was my Italy. My last trip to Iran sealed my quest for inner peace, it was purely spiritual (pray). India was Iran for me. So could Malaysia be my Indonesia? hehehe doubt it

Next post, random pix of Malaysia:

Back from Malaysia :D

Just came back from a truly magical trip to Malaysia. I LOVE this country and its people. I’ll post pix soon but for now i need to get a lot of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 😀 😀 would u believe in the past 3 days i have only slept 5 hours total…i’m not that tired but still i wanna see some dream 🙂

PS. Sorry for not letting you know i was on a trip, i had planned to update over there but had some lack of time and net connections probs.

PPS. When i get up I gotta see if i can fit the time in my schedule to go and shoot my travel agent; he had scheduled a 12 hour stop over at Dubai airport 😦 😦 😦

[5 minutes later]

PPPS. I hope my travel agent doesn’t drop dead tomorrow and i become a primary suspect :O…yo detective dude..i was just kidding…honestly :O

The Philosopher and the Fish

Quick question: What is happiness? How can you tell when you are happy? And how can you tell when someone else is happy?

I received an email from an friend with the subject line: Poor woman

Here’s the email:

Mum set for 18th baby

An Arknsas woman is pregnant with her 18th child – and says she plans to have more.

Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year’s Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers, including two sets of twins.

All of the children’s names start with the letter J – and they are all schooled at the family’s home in Tontitown.

“We’ve had three in January, three in December. Those two months are a busy time for us,” she said.

The Duggars’ oldest child, Josh, is 20, and the youngest, Jennifer, is nine months old.

Mrs Duggar has been been pregnant for more than 11 years of her life, and she and her husband, Jim Bob, say they’ll keep having children as long as God wills it.

“The success in a family is first off, a love for God, and secondly, treating each other like you want to be treated,” Mr Duggar said.

“Our goal is for each one of our children to be best friends, and everybody working together to serve each other makes that happen.”

The children, in between Joshua and Jennifer, are: Jana, 18; John-David, 18; Jill, 16; Jessa, 15; Jinger, 14; Joseph, 13; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 10; Jeremiah, 9; Jedidiah, 9; Jason, 7; James, 6; Justin, 5; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, 2.

So when I saw my friend, I go:

Me: why did you say ‘poor’ woman

Her: DID you NOT read HOW MANY kids she has??!!!

Me: DID you NOT see her picture?

Her: Huh???

Me: Just stare at her eyes; with a piece of paper cover her mouth and forehead so you can only see her eyes. She is smiling with her eyes, there’s bright joy in those lanterns. Very rarely you can look deep into someone’s eye and not notice any fear; in hers not only I didn’t see any fear, they were kinds soothing as well.

Her: Would you be happy being her?

Me: Me?!! No!! Of course not…well I don’t think so anyway…but the point is I’m not her. The things that make me happy probably won’t make her happy.

Her: I still think she’s not happy. No one can be happy with 18 kids!!!

This conversation kinda reminded me of the story of the philosopher and the fish. Enjoy the story:

A philosopher once said to a fish, “The purpose of life is to reason and become wise.” The fish answered, “The purpose of life is to swim and catch flies.” The philosopher muttered “Poor fish.” Back came a whisper, “Poor philosopher.”

The Tour Guide

This post was written a week ago when I was still in Iran

Ever had a feeling like…well like…like you are walking with…yourself. Several times during this trip to Iran I felt this way. Those times that I floated through familiar streets, streets whose walls were like a photo album …with each brick bringing back memories…memories that though you created no longer feel like yours…not the new you anyway. Ever heard your old self talking to you while going down these streets?

Today I went to Payetakht—a mall in northern Tehran that is the center of computers. I used to come here at least twice a week years ago. It had somehow changed now. Those days it was mostly bootlegged CDs, now it’s laptops, digital cameras, plasma TVs, iphones, mobiles, macs, etc. Just like those days I stopped at each shop studying the variety of models. Before I knew it I slipped into a conversation with myself.

“Now that’s a beautiful Sony Vaio…hey I haven’t seen that model in Kuwait…why do some companies export certain models to only certain countries…oh look there is the official agency of Panasonic…let me check out their camera….”

“Hey remember this shop? This was the shop that you got that SPSS CD, remember? Remember you needed that statistics application CD for your thesis but it was difficult to get hold of the latest version? This shop promised to bring it for you? Remember?”

The memory was mine, but this wasn’t me talking to myself anymore… I almost felt her presence walking next to me…like a guide, a tour guide, guiding me through ‘my’ memories…distance memories. She also stopped with me at each shop, with each shop she painted a vision in me of the shop as it was years ago…just like a tour guide.

Ever felt this way?