WHY???

Dear Mom,

This is the first time I talk to you directly since you…well…I am not even sure what to call your departure…first time I had to inform Afshin, I said you had gone to be with God…first time I informed my work in Kuwait, I said, you had found your eternal peace… First time I had to inform anyone…was Azi and Nazy…they had came running outside and were starring at me, mouth open…I just plainly said, “You are gone.”

Are you? Gone?

Why?

Why are you gone?

It was all a mistake. It shouldn’t have had happened. Somewhere something went wrong…I am sure it wasn’t your time…why did you have to…have to go?

It’s been 96 days as of today….I am not sure which stage I am at now…the anger is still with me, the denial, the pain, the whys, the illusions, the joking around with friends hoping my laughter  wud change reality…I go through all the stages in the same day…every day…everyday for the past 96 days

The only constant question I have is…why?

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Why did I refuse to believe the doctors when they told me you have 6 to 1 year left back in July?

If I had believed them, maybe you would have…

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Why didn’t I encourage you more to stick to your green diet?

If I had maybe you would have been cured

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Why did I change the topic every time you wanted to talk about the end?

If I hadn’t, maybe you would have gotten a lot of things off your chest…maybe that would have cured you.

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Why did I not believe the doctors when they told me in October that you had already outlived their expectation?

If I had, maybe I could have…

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Why did I have so much hope?

If I had accepted reality maybe I would have said all the things I c

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Why did I take you out on that chilly night?

If I hadn’t, maybe you wouldn’t have caught that cold, which made you spectrum worse.

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Why did I take you to Tehran?

If I hadn’t, maybe the doctors here could have tried a different treatment.

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Why did I give you that glass of water?

I f I hadn’t maybe you cough wouldn’t have gotten worse.

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I am so sorry mom…there were a million things I could have done differently and any one of those could have altered your departure.

I ran into that colleague of mine yesterday whose mom was in the same room as you. Remember? He asked me how you were doing. My heart literally shrunk sending out a succession of pain throughout my whole being…and again my only thought was why.

He too was surprised. He said he thought you were doing well. And I smiled…and I said, yes you were…you were laughing a lot…I took you out in your wheelchair…the one you had the nurse, the one with the neat handwriting, write your name on it…remember how we ran into one of your doctors one day at True Value…you wanted me to wheel you over to him…I said, let him have his privacy, he’s out with his family, but you were determined…you rolled yourself over to him and proudly announced, “See, doctor, I am all well. I am out”…that was precisely 3 weeks before your departure….WHY????

I hate it when people say you have found your eternal peace…mom you were a fighter…you wanted your peace right here…