Dust unto Dust

Dear Mom,

If I accept that now, you are no longer a prisoner of your body;

If I understand that now, you are at your eternal peace;

If I realize that you had to go for you had reached the seventh stage;

.

If every time you appear in dreams, there’s an aura of tranquility around you;

If every time an image of you pops in front of me, you are smiling;

If your soul has engulfed my every waking and sleeping moments;

.

If I know you at a much better place now;

…then why does is ache so bad?…why is each day getting more painful for me to get through?…why is life so meaningless without you?

RIP Mom
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Sexy Crazy Cancer

“I’ll never say cancer is a gift because I’ll never give it to you. But cancer can be a catalyst, a teacher”–-Kris Carr

A cursed blessing…that’s what my boss called it…called cancer.

I…now…agree with her…it is a curse…and a blessing.

I know in my last posts I kept saying that the reality I choose to believe in was that mom was not sick. That’s what I keep repeating into her ears over and over again.

When she says, “I am so tired I can’t even move leg.”

I say, “So what? Everyone feels that way once in a while. You will feel fine tomorrow.”

.

When she says, “She over heard the doctor saying her disease is incurable.”

I say, “Incurable means it is always going to be there. It doesn’t mean it’s fatal.”

.

When she says, “She knows she won’t ever be able to walk again.”

I say, “So what? Wheelchairs are fun!”

I said it, but I acted it, and she believe me, she felt it…but I didn’t.

As soon as I left the hospital room, tears poured down. I guess deep down I didn’t believe my own words. The words and thoughts of the articles I kept reading online were more powerful. Deep down that was the reality I was beginning to accept…that’s why I kept taking mental pictures of my mom…I was afraid I won’t get any more chances.

Thankfully Reza (friend/reader) entered my life.

I always believe every single person who enters your life does so for a reason–they are God sent. He messaged me, he talked about his own personal experience, he answered my question, and he introduced me to Kris Carr and her Documentary “Crazy Sexy Cancer”

It’s about a witty, vibrant, intelligent thirty something actress living in New York who documents her attitude towards coming to terms with cancer over a course of 3 years…till she can start to call herself a survivor.

Here’s a trailer to the documentary:

Here’s a segment when she appeared on Oprah:

Here’s her giving tips on Crazy Sexy Cancer:

and of course her website and links to her video and books: http://www.crazysexycancer.com

and my favorite quotes from her documentary:

“Cancer wasn’t killing me, it was pushing me to live”

“Maybe my lesson was about patience and acceptance. If I could learn to make peace with my disease, even if it didn’t go away, then i could do anything.”

“Like Alice in Cancerland, I felt like I was falling down a New Age rabbit hole.”

“I’ll never say cancer is a gift because I’ll never give it to you. But cancer can be a catalyst, a teacher”

“When there are no answers, you have to find your own”

“Life is messy and brilliant, gorgeous and staggering, sexy and crazy…just like cancer.

Thank you Reza

To Tell or Not to Tell

To Tell or Not to Tell

It’s 3:00 am and I can’t sleep…can’t control my train of thoughts…it’s going all over the place, back in time, to the future, present…the numerous versions of the present…the numerous realities

If a fairy ever decides to grant me a wish, I would wish that the power to jinx myself be stripped away from me.

I caused it. I cause this painful reality I am in…I uttered a careless though back in March and it was granted a couple of weeks later. Damn me!!!

Back in March, I was having numbly blowing sheesha, a friend sat across the table, and I mummbled these words: 2008 was the without a doubt the best year of my life; it was a year of awakening; a year of inner voyage, inner discovery, inner love, total body, soul and mind satisfaction, it was a year of bliss, a year of so many ‘firsts’…but I feel there’s more…I have mastered the lessons nature intended, now i want to move to the next stage. When will the next stage begin?

When will the next stage begin? If I had know what the next stage is, I would have….

The next stage….the next stage began with this sentence:

“Your mom has 6 months to 1 year left to live”

That was 5 months ago.

Her doctor said it.

Only a year after we celebrated her truimpt over cancer

What went through my head at that time? Nothing…whatever thought wanted to emerged I pushed it back into darkness…couldn’t fight back the tears though…they just poured out uncontrollably…but there was no thought

The thoughts came later on

First denial—the doctor is an idiot…he doesn’t know what he is talking about…so I googled….hated the language used: incurable, average 3 years, maximum 5 years, painful treatment, etc

Tears and sobbing over took my thoughts again

I had no thoughts

My boss was the first person to talk to me. She had lost her father to cancer only a couple of months prior.

Her words were encouraging

There was hope

I shouldn’t allow negative thoughts to alter her reality

Mom’s reality is that she is fine and she will win this battle like the last one

Should I tell?

Should I tell my siblings?

NO!!

Their negative thoughts will change reality…reality is that she is NOT sick…if i tell them, she will get worse

So I didn’t tell anyone in my family.

Friends?

Only my boss and two friends knew.

And it was because of them I survived.

Did mom’s reality change?

Yes
No
Yes
No

She was in full spirit 1 day and weak for 3 days.

“They have the right to know”

That’s what a friend kept reminding me

I knew she was right…i had to tell my siblings…but I couldn’t…telling them meant…verbalizing those same words the doctor said…i couldn’t have my ears hear them again, let alone from my own tongue…I just couldn’t…call me coward, call me selfish…but i just couldn’t

They only thing I did was ask my siblings to come to Kuwait.

I needed time to heal.

But healing was slow

Healing required acceptance

Acceptance required support

I had no support

I was refusing support

I didn’t want to talk about it with my boss, or 2 friends.

Bless all 3 of them, they understood…they gave me my space…but they made sure they were there for me if i needed to talk.

It took me 2 months

And i finally talked.

I got their emotional support.

I started healing

I told my siblings what the doctor had said…without telling them when i found out of course

Now the question is: Should I tell mom?

Dear Mom (part 2)

Dear Mom,

Last time I wrote you a letter on this blog was over 2 years ago. You had just undergone Mastectomy after several cycles of chemo. I remember as they were rolling you into the surgery room, you had a smile on your face; you were afraid, I could see it, but you were smiling for our sake.

You were strong then, your spirit so high I was being radiant by your energy. When we left that hospital a few days later I was so proud of being your daughter; you had taught me how to fight cancer.

Little did I know that you would be fighting it again in two years.

It attacked you again this March.

It was stronger this time.

It had spread—breast cancer Metastasis

It had gained more force.

First your lungs collapsed; you fought it for seven months.

Last week, your CT Scan revealed that the cancerous cells in your lungs were contained. In some spots, it had actually been reduced.

I started to celebrate…it was like life was bestowed on our household again

…but

I failed to see that spark in your eyes. You were smiling but your eyes weren’t. It was as if you knew something. Has the cancerous cells been telling you something. What did you know?

Both me and the doctors found out a week later.

The cancerous cells had gained force somewhere else in your body now.

Your bones…your pelvis.

Now you can’t move.

Now for the first time, I am forced to face reality.

Reality?

Which reality?

The one I created in these past 7 months?

The one that when I looked at your legs, all I saw was those healthy, strong, swift legs that was full on energy…or the one that is all skin and bones and your barely have any energy left to move your toes?

I have been refusing to listen to doctors, test results, medical cases since they meant nothing to me. As long as your spirits were high, you will win again.

Reality was trying to open my eyes; I saw every week a patient losing the battle to cancer here at the hospital. I was talking to them one day, and the next day they were gone. Every single week I saw this…and so did you.

But I ignored.

You were different.

You will win.

So I cracked jokes to make you laugh…and you did.

I downloaded funny Iranian films to make you laugh…and you did.

Remember how we used to sit on your bed, each one of us with an ear piece laughing out loud that others came to see what we were watching?

You were laughing…and that was the only reality I wanted to see.

Remember how two months ago, I took a few hours leave for you to take you out to a mall? I left you in a wheelchair and said stay here till I go and park the car. I came back two minutes late. When I came I saw you were rolling yourself into a shop…I smiled coz that is my mom…she can never sit still.

I smiled…and you smiled…and that was the only reality I wanted to see.

You have stopped laughing, smiling, eating, drinking, speaking now

The reality I wished to see is no longer there.

And I don’t want to face any other reality…if I think it, it will happen.

All I want is for you to be in peace…I want you to smile again…just smile…I am not asking for much

Mom please smile again,

Please bring my reality back

Noushin

Last week, your CTScan revealed that the cancerous cells in your lungs were contained. In some spots, it had actually been reduced.